Republican Debate #5: Jeb! Is Still Alive

In fairness to our journalistic integrity DP, it should be noted that he carried this debate.  TIG watched the beginning and the end and filled out the middle later when he got home.

TIG: I hate everything.

For the debate to tonight, they’d better follow through with the Nuke-Drone-Sub storyline. It hasn’t gone anywhere for a while.

DP: The JV squad is on.

Lindsay Graham is off the chain

“ISIL wants to kill you and your family! They are planning it tonight! We must go over there and kill THEM!!”

TIG: That’s why we need Nuke-Drone-Sub.


Link to watch debate?

DP: Wait…who’s hands are in who’s pockets??  This is CNN.

TIG: Goddamnit, I keep getting a fucking ad when I try to pull it up…

DP: I think you need the CNN app…

Lindsay Graham just quoted Viscini from The Princess Bride.

Yes, everyone of these guys says we should shoot down Russian planes.

Graham, “women, if you want to kill terrorists, I’m your guy.”

Huckabee, “I blame this government for terrorist kidnappings!”  So clear headed.

Think they have port-a-johns just back stage for the debaters?

Pataki looked like he needed to rush off stage to piss just before the last commercial break.


TIG: Clearly not enough TRUMPed up rhetoric.

Goddamned CNN App.

The surviving legacy of this series will be what a confusing cluster fuck it was to watch debates at this crossroads of the information superhighway

Yeah! My man Santorum backing up Trump! Going for the VP nor in the nightmare White House!

DP: Travesty 2016: how the fuck do I watch these shitty candidates debate each other??

Huckabee wants to send immigrants to live at the whitehouse.  Soon we will have one there…TED CRUZ!!

TIG: Not enough coded, “black man doesn’t know his place” language…

DP: Lindsey graham is such a hawk.

His closing remarks were nearly incomprehensible.

I love how these guys don’t blame themselves or W at all for 9/11, but anything bad that happens now is Obama’s fault.


Santorum is such a turd.

TIG: He didn’t keep America safe like Bush did when 3000 Americans died.

DP: SUCKabee

“I’ll fight for your grandkids!”

It’s ALREADY been reversed!  Because of Santorum!

Thank you GOP!!  You saved us!


TIG: I thought we were never supposed to forget…

DP: I can’t wait for The Donald to get up there and bring out the best in us all!

He’s fucking polling at 41% among Republicans.  Haha!  So hilarious.

I really hope they don’t nominate him and then he runs as an independent.

I wonder how badly Jeb! will fail tonight.  Completely or utterly?

TIG: It has to be his last rodeo. I’m waiting for the clown car to get going!

Again, union meeting interrupting the Jeb! And TRUMP express.

DP: Ugh.  Collective bargaining is dead.  Disband the meeting early and have everyone get Cruz 2016 tattoos!

I love these lead-in clips.  So sensationalist.

The candidates are being introduced like basketball players into the stage

Actually- more like game show contestants.


“The butcher of Bakersfield!  BEN CARSON!”

The girl singing the national anthem is like…a 6.  Her body is a 7, but her face is a 5.

TIG: Damnit…Hold on, I’m getting on again.  I have to see.

DP: Actually, her body is more like a 6.  So over all that lowers her to a 5.5

And her singing is atrocious

Wolf’s voice cracked.  His balls are finally catching up with his beard.

Rand Paul’s hair looks like a kids hair in the 50s or something.


Here’s Kasich- I’m boring. I’m reasonable. I’m a loser.

TIG: Tepid response to Kasich’s, “we can’t keep fighting with Democrats!”

Followed by Christie, “America has been betrayed by Obama”

Oh shit–did you know that Christie is a former federal prosecutor?

Is Fiorina dropping out of the race by saying everything can be solved by, “a tested leader?”

…Oh, no, the imaginary liberal elites that secretly rule us all are against her.

DP: Now Jeb! is talking.   He looks…whiter than usual.

Jeb! is so fucking weak.  His intro is all stilted and pathetic.

TIG: Weak stuttering from weak candidate trying to sound like a big man.

“When we take on we support our friends.”

Jesus fucking christ.

DP: Rubio- “it’s so great being back in Vegas.  My father went from running a casino in Havana, to running a casino in Vegas.  The American Gangster dream!”


TIG: “Called bigots because they hold on to traditional values.”

I don’t know why people are so mean to white supremacists!


Cruz looks like a muppet.  I’ll bet people slap him in the face all the time at random and then say, “I don’t know why I had to do that…”

DP: It’d be like being the actor that plays Joffree.

TIG: They’ll stop terrorists before they come because they won’t give into political correctness…Like Bush?

DP: Carson…the moment of silence…you slimy fuck.

TIG: So sleazy.

DP: Someone tweeted, “Carson just fell asleep”. I laughed.


TIG: See, you guys kept saying, “Political correctness and timidity will save this country!”  Like Carson, I disagree when everybody keeps saying that.

Trump of course, “everyone loves me!”

DP: Jeb just called Trump the “Chaos Candidate”

Makes me want to vote for him.

I can see that as a comic book character

TIG: Seems really establishment-ish to ask the 6th most popular character to respond to the first.

DP: Trump so perfectly attacks Bush- His campaign is a total failure.

TIG: “It’s been a total disaster…Nobody cares.”

I love how aggressive it is to say that Jeb! doesn’t, “want to make America great again.”

Then Jeb! politely attacks Obama instead of Trump.

Rubio.  Yawn.

DP: Sorry, I accidentally slapped my screen when Cruz came on.  I don’t know what came over me…

TIG: I love that FDR’s Japanese internment policy wasn’t batshit enough…Let’s look at what his grandfather thought!

DP: Fiorina- Snapchat has only been around a few years!

Thanks for the update!

TIG: Fucking entertainers…If only I could decipher what kind of people secretly run the world with their finances that are also famous entertainers…


DP: Wolf- “Chris Christie, people are more afraid of being eaten by you now, than any other time since Hurricane Sandy!”

TIG: Wait a second…Chris Christie used to be a Federal Prosecutor?

DP: Kasich- I  saying something reasonable and none of you fanatics care!  Why am I here??  What Republican would vote for me??

TIG: Moderated and boring.  Next!

DP: Rubio v. Cruz is shaping up to be fun!

TIG: It’s such  pseudo-debate.  And a really hard day when I’m thinking Cruz sounds more reasonable.  I think I’d better have something more to drink.

DP: Fighting for #2!

TIG: Who will be the token white minority!

DP: Rand always has these vocal supporters at the debates.

TIG: Sure…Access to metadata and big applause.  But what about Nuke-Drone-Sub?  Who is going to start that program?


DP: Chris Christie is going to talk about…being a federal prosecutor!  Newsflash!!!

TIG: Instead of going over how boring everyone else is before going off into boring bullshit…Wait, I think that sentence went into a vortex of Christie boringness.

Oh, fucking Carson…Him and his thee-aters.  Get rid of this PC stuff, and just attack Muslims!  How could not accepting ISIS’s worldview not be beneficial?

Bush: I have nothing to say!

Florina reminds me a bit like the devil in that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode.

No, not that one...

No, not that one…




It’s all about the private companies doing everything.  Like the way Oracle destroyed the Oregon Obamacare system!

DP: Trump is so full of shit.  I love it.


And still gets the big applause!

TIG: He’s clearly the best.

Katich keeps saying, “Penetrate.”  He’s got the 7th grade boy vote now.

DP: Rubio is droning on and on about bills or something.

TIG: There is one drone system that he needs to address.


Jesus, somebody told them all to hit, “Political correctness.”  Fucking Liberals, since the 1990s, have always been about waging Jihad on Facebook.

Always a bit a diss when a hack like Wolfe Blitzer has to correct you.  And then you look shitty for dodging the question.

…Jesus Cruz makes me want to slap his stupid face until my hand is bleeding.

You still there?

DP: Yeah, I was setting up my screen, I knocked it onto the floor after slapping it when I saw Cruz on the screen.

TIG: I think Rubio is on now.  Wait, if Cruz is elected president we’ll have, “the smallest air force this country has ever had?”

I’m not an Americanist, but I feel confident in saying that there have been times in American history when we’ve had a smaller Air Force than any possible proposal that any candidate has made.

DP: strong #TrumpFace game going on right now

TIG: The vaguely ethnic guy in the Carlton sweater asking Trump how he won’t hurt innocent people on accident…

Jeb! interrupts and says Trump is crazy…

DP: Holy shit.  Trump just destroyed Jeb!.

TIG: Ha!  It’s so funny to watch that WASPy bastard to be put down by…another WASPy bastard…

DP: This is a really fiesty debate!  Good Jeb! v. Trump, but that’s obvious who wins.  Much better is the Cruz v. Rubio.

TIG: Actually, he can insult his way to the presidency.  And if Jeb! actually thinks he can politely rattle off nothing about anything and win…

DP: Trump is clearly winning this debate.  I was fearing a stronger showing from Cruz, but Trump still looks strong.

TIG: I’m sure all the candidates would support my American right to join a union.

DP: You wobbly bastard.

TIG: Paul asking if Trump is a serious candidate.  That has a lot of #Trumpface.  I can’t believe Trump even looks like he’s taking that seriously.

So great with Trump addressing the booing and getting the crowd back on his side.

DP: Kasich looks bloated.

TIG: Oh fuck, more Rubio.  Time to get another drink.

DP: Jeb! looks like a child.  It’s so weak.

He’s losing ground.  He has to give up.  He’s just wasting money at this point.

TIG: While I was waiting for my water to boil in making another hot toddy, I found an old picture of Christina Hendricks:


DP: Yes, Fiorina invokes Thatcher.

TIG: As is law for a female candidate.

Christie…Wait, did you know that he wasn’t part of Congress?  He actually used to be a Federal Prosecutor!

DP: The ads streaming on CNN are almost all pro-oil

TIG: The energy of the future.

DP: Oh, actually, it’s split.  Pro-oil, pro- renewable energy, and then an AARP ad about social security

We need to start a television network, slogan – “BROADCAST TELEVISION: WAVE OF THE FUTURE”

TIG: Just like Carson’s slogan, “We have a phobia about boots on the ground!”

DP: Sorry for the pause there…

TIG: Yeah, I slapped the screen when I saw Cruz come on again too.

It’s enough to make Assad seem reasonable if Cruz hates him enough.

Wait, “Woodrow Wilson democracy promoter?”  Isn’t all the dirt about him being a horrifying racist in relation to democracy coming up right now?

DP: Rubio is more of a Neo-con than Cruz, I suppose

While Cruz is probably a pretty devout Baptist or something.

TIG: I love arguing that we can’t always side with the perfect government, but we can side with governments that don’t let people attack America…Like Saudi Arabia.  Because despite the Republican bleating, we all need to forget 9/11 moreso?

Oh Kasich, you’re too reasonable to care before Trump comes on.

“Total…and complete…mess.”

Got the big applause and Florina accusing Trump of being Obama.

DP: I love everyone painting Russia as our enemy.  TODAY a Russian, an American, and a Brit blasted off in a Russian rocket to the International Space Station.

And 2/3 of our NASA and military and NSA satellites of the last 15 years were launched on rockets powered by Russian engines.

TIG: Oh man, a Bush saying, “You need a strategy to get in, and a strategy to get out, which means you create a stable situation.” is some rich bullshit.

Obama, “Does not believe American’s leadership in the world are a place for good.  He does not believe that our strength is…is…a place where security can take place.  He leads from behind.  He creates an environment that now we’re creating the most unstable situation since we’ve had since the…uh…World War II era.”

Qmusing: Just catching up on this. Remember when Obama asked Putin “can their be a peace between us?” And Putin responded “peace. Nooooo. No peeeeaaaace” and then data got shot a bunch of times.

DP: And Obama was like, “I know their plan…NUKE THE BASTARDS.”

When Will Smith shot Putin down and then punched him in the face and said, “Welcome to America!”  That was sensational!

Qmusing: That really upset John Kerry, but then John Kerry talked to his dad who reminded helped him figure out that he could plant a virus in the Kremlin


TIG: Bush totally botched the, “I would be commander in chief,” not, the two things he botched it should be.

Trump giving the sarcastic, “You’re a tough guy, Jeb!” And then getting the big laugh is such a death knell.

Then followed by, “I’m at 43%, you’re at 3%” followed by big applause.

Give it up Jeb!.

Yeah right, Kasich!  Shut up with your vague logic!

Oh God, these people are so fucking afraid of immigration.  Only one thing will keep people out of the country…All people.  All humans.


Am I alone here?

Qmusing: Sorry, had to restart my computer after I punched it when I saw Cruz.

DP: I’m still trying to start it up again after I slapped the computer off the desk when I saw his stupid face.

TIG: They’re really going after each other, Rubio and Cruz.  They must have the same tactic to be the leader’s toady and go from there.

Sweet, Jeb! is bringing up the, “heroin epidemic.”  He should ask his mom about her Just Say No program and how that should have ended it…

…Nevermind, it’s all Obama’s fault, of course.

DP: Rand gives a rambling, nuanced answer- SNORE


…it’s a new word.

TIG: I think I fell asleep during Carson’s reply…

Qmusing: Also, I don’t care what you all think, but simply having a wonderful Christmas time rules. The beau-beau! noises rule. It also totally feels like Christmas time in Honolulu with sunny 80 degree weather.

DP: I love how everyone is against Iran.  “We can’t let Shia Islam spread!”  Sunni Islam is so much more fucking crazy

Come to Cali!  It’s like, 50 degrees here!  It’s going to be a white Christmas!

TIG: Rubio’s clean-cut hair makes me think his mom licks her finger and rubs shit off of Rubio’s face.

Oh Rand, nobody cares about your stupid fucking church.

DP: YES. Rand just called out Christie on his gangster tactics of shutting down the bridge for political reasons


Did the know that Christie used to be a Federal-fucking-Prosectuor?

Kasich—Your experience with people demanding to get into Ohio really speaks to the rest of the continent, I’m sure.

DP: Some of Ohioans are HUMAN TRAFFICK?

I’m literally jumping up and down clapping.  Jeb!: “Trump, you’ll never be president!!!”  He literally said that.

TIG: So super-villain!

DP: Whoa whoa whoa….Christie was a FEDERAL PROSECUTOR!?  I had no idea.

This is BY FAR the best debate.

Every commercial break, EVERY, Wolf says, “we are only just beginning!”

When asked about North Korea…no one wants to talk about it.


TIG: I’m mostly worried about staying awake when Carson tried to talk about Ohio class submarines.  There’s only one thing that can fix the Navy…


I love getting on how a candidate is saying he will do his best to attack and humiliate an ally of the United States and our strongest economic partner (China).  Incidentally, an alliance the Republicans got on their knees to make.

DP: Jeb! brings up Hillary’s email.  He’s such a hero.

TIG: “This is a serious administration?”

Qmusing: I am SO mad about Hilary’s emails. So mad!

DP: I’m going to have to change parties so I can vote for Trump in the primaries

Hilary’s emails are literally my #1 issue.

#2 is Benghazi

Qmusing: #3 is immigration

DP: Or is it Obama’s birth certificate?

Immigration isn’t in my top ten.  Letting criminals, and rapists and terrorists through our unsecured borders??  that’s also my #1.

Yes, CNN just ran an ad for Dubai Healthcare City.  That will go over so well with the bigots and xenophobes watching this debate.

TIG: Rubio is going into launching nukes while someone, off camera, is apparently snorting coke and sniffing his nose.

But Rubio says that the Ohio class submarine needs to be modernized.  Why the fuck aren’t the writers amping up the only interesting plot in this whole thing?


DP: Oh, Cruz so wants to be Trump’s VP.

Qmusing: Luckily CRUZ speaks for my values: no space exploration unless it is military related.

TIG: Hold on, I need to get my computer back up from the floor after slapping it to the ground…

DP: Oh, Chris Christie being a federal prosecutor is my other #1 issue.

Carly Fiorina running HP into the ground is definitely also my #1 issue.

How am I going to illegally stream the next debate while simultaneously streaming porn?  It’s my #1 issue.

Prediction: Jeb! drops out in a week. It’s LITERALLY my #1 issue.

TIG: Wait, did ye know that Chris Christie was a Federal Prosecutor?  Why doesn’t he ever say something about that?

DP:Cruz: “Judgement, strength, Ronald Reagan’s penis and also his ballsack…it’s my #1 issue”

Everything we do is terrible.  All I want to do is win again.  We can win again.  It’s, and I can’t overstate this, it’s my #1 issue.

Honestly- I can’t see how other candidates survive after this.  Trump was very dominate tonight.  He embarrassed Jeb! yet…somehow stayed above a lot of the fray, because there was a lot of back and forth with Cruz and Rubio.

TIG: I’d love to see the supposed citation where Obama said, “America can never win!”

Process: Remember when Michelle Obama was a stripper that was helping during ID4 and someone naively said “I’m sorry you are a stripper” and she replied “I’m not…” and then launched into a mind changing monologue about how much she loves showing off her genitals for money to pay for her child?

DP: Stripping?…No stripping…

Process: I’m a loser, like Kasich.  I just wish I was like my hero TED CRUZ.

TIG: Sorry, I threw my phone against a wall when I read the last two words.  I don’t know why.

Process: I’d throw a couple ?’s at Michelle if she wanted to bare it all to pay for Sasha and Malia’s college fund.

DP: Obama couldn’t fly the shuttle…cause he married a stripper

“The good reverend said…”

Think the aliens win at the end of ID4-2?

Process: Peace…. yeah… peace sounds good after that anal probe guy blew up one of our large ships

Holy shit, I just saw the newest picture of NObama.  He’s not even disguising himself anymore…


DP: Finally- his true self is revealed.  We are witness to a great, satanic becoming.

Process: I knew he was Muslim, notice the faint star and crescent on his nose under the mark of the beast written in dragon’s ink and the ode to Hitler stache

Remember when NObama took his shirt off at the state of the Union address and revealed his back tattoo?  Man I owed him awe so bad

DP: He yelled, “How could you go from Clinton to THAT!?”

And then slapped his mom shot dating Dubya

See this, dubya?  It means NOT WELCOME.

DP: Wait…what did you say?  A cold?  A cold virus???  I KNOW HOW TO DEFEAT THE ALIENS!!!!

Process: You didn’t think the Pentagon was just buying gold plated toilets did you?  Trump’s rabbi Dad knew what was up.

DP: $1,000 for a hammer!?

My number one issue…can there be a mother fucking peace?????

Process: I wish they had a commercial with some cute little blonde kid buying one of the ID4 aliens a happy meal and then it wrapping a tendril around Ronald’s throat ending the commercial with “Peace!”  Cue I’m Lovin’ It music and the kid smiling


DP: Hamburgler has to upload the Mad Cow virus into the alien mother ship

Process: By the way, this is my candidate.  He’s so dreamy!


DP: That Toronto nose and that flabby post-horizon chin…

Process: I like the lip color fading like a gradient down the center of his 1st chin.

DP: Lip/Chin rosacia

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