Juke’s Top Ten Worst Songs Evah!

Broken records on the floor of a warehouseAny list about an art form is subjective. The list below may not make your ears bleed as bad as mine but I think we’re all in agreement that some of these choice cuts are something you could play at Guantanamo to get a confession.

There are classic horrible songs like; We Built This City by Starship or Friday by Rebecca Black. Rebecca Black is just a kid so she gets a tad bit of a pass. It’s like Hanson’s Mmm Bop or anything by Aaron Carter, these are minors and can’t be held to the same let’s burn-them-at-the-stake ideal as adults. Barbie Girl by Aqua (and other foreign acts) get a pass because of them being foreign. If a song sucks, and Barbie Girl does suck, I can usually be less pissed by them being foreign. Canada is too close for that rule. Being Canadian just hurts your cred a tad right out of the gate.

The below list are by artists who should know better. Sure, there are joke songs like Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy, we all knew those were bad to begin with. The list below are songs people at one time (and still do) thought were good

A lot of these songs came out at a very impressionable time in my youth, 1998-2003 which I honestly feel this is the worst 5 years in music history. I’m a rocker at heart and that’s why Shania Twain or Big n’ Rich don’t make the list. That genre isn’t mine. Limp Bizkit and Creed I felt as an attack. They were getting too close to my wheelhouse.

Let’s get to the torture shall we?

There’s a thread about the songs I’ve chosen. A lot are covers. If a song sucks to begin with, why cover it!? There are solo artists in here that came from big acts that make me question anything from their prior bands. But the main visual and audible flaws in these videos are; Doughy white guys with bad facial hair trying to rap. Videos filled with dumb skits with a “we’re so funny” wink to the camera. People cruising around on small vehicles in suburbia having way too much fun. Some videos are taking themselves way too seriously. There’s also the drama student motif with way too much shit going on, too many props, or other actors milling around.

No. 10 – Len: Steal My Sunshine
White guy + Yankees hat + Rapping = nomination to this list.

No. 9 – Crazy Town: Butterfly
Douches with a touch of douche.

No. 8 – Barenaked Ladies: One Week
So glad we got outta there before they played this atrocity.

No. 7 – Uncle Kracker: Follow Me
You know what would make this video good? Sugar Ray…oh wait.
Sugar Ray, I knew that idiot would be a part of this list in some way.

No. 6 – Creed: With Arms Wide Open

No. 5 – Limp Bizkit: Faith
This band could’ve easily had other songs in here. Nookie, Rollin’, Break Stuff, etc.
But their crappy cover of a crappy song launching a crappy music style known as Nu Metal lands them at No. 5.

No. 4 – David Lee Roth: California Girls
David Lee Roth is easily the better singer for Van Halen. But when he went solo we got to see his drama student flag fully fly with this turd.
Not to mention the song sucks and it’s a cover. After seeing and hearing this, I now have to question his Van Halen career.

No. 3 – Nickelback: Rockstar
If you’re gonna do a song about being a Rockstar, at least try to make it rock.

No. 2 – Smash Mouth: I’m A Believer
Another band that could’ve had multiple songs in this list. You covered The Monkees? Why?
Oh, for a crappy Disney movie? Well then, I was mistaken, you had it all figured out.

No. 1 – Joe Walsh: Ordinary Average Guy
This moron was in the Eagles. Thank god he went solo to give us this dud.
With great lyrics like: “Pick up the dog doo, hope that it’s hard…” This is considered a hit of classic rock. This ditty has a droning tempo that is just awful. It makes me physically ill. It clocks in at 4 minutes but I swear it’s 40 minutes.

Radio programmers are dumb. They probably go: “Oh, we need some Joe Walsh for our ‘Two for Tuesday’. Let’s have Ordinary Average Guy be one of them! That’s a funny song!” For every person in a waiting room, this song cocks the hammer and delivers a Joe Walsh bullet to the brain. By the song’s end, you wish it was a real bullet.

The fact I will be in a waiting room again in my life and will probably hear this song is why it’s my number one. People by the droves still think this is a good tune.

The other songs on this list have washed away in the annals of time. But Ordinary Average Guy refuses to disappear. I am not helping by making this list but if I’m going down, I’m taking some of you with me.

If you watched any of these videos from front to end you are very brave. I couldn’t do it.
Honorable mentions: Kid Rock: All Summer Long, Cowboy, LFO: Summer Girl, 311: Down, Gorillaz: Sunshine in a Bag

  4 comments for “Juke’s Top Ten Worst Songs Evah!

  1. theimmortalgoon
    August 12, 2015 at 7:03 am

    I’ve actually thought about this as there’s a continuing AV Club feature about this. I really have to say that J-Lo (not John Lovitz, I mean Jennifer Lopez) had the worst song I can think of with Jenny from the Block.

    There’s something obscene about arguing about how street you are, while at the same time acknowledging that you’re hopelessly wealthy.

    Part of this also comes from hip-hop going from a source of social criticism (even if cartoonish) like NWA in flannels and baseball caps to P-Diddy in pure white dancing around decked out in gold bragging about how much money he has. I guess J-Lo is saying that she can have it all?

    Also, something about the rhyme scheme of the chorus drives me fucking mad:

    Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got
    I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block
    Used to have a little, now I have a lot
    No matter where I go, I know where I came from (South-Side Bronx!)
    Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got
    I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block
    Used to have a little, now I have a lot
    No matter where I go, I know where I came from (South-Side Bronx!)

    There’s something about the ABAC rhyme scheme that I suppose is theoretically possible, but sounds like broken glass in my fucking ear. Even if she did think she was pulling off a ballad (the only real convention I know of with an ABAC scheme), she doesn’t actually rhyme B and C with anything. The spacing also doesn’t follow the rhythm for where the rhymes should be.

    “Got” (A) does not rhyme with, “Block” (B) as the rhythm seems to imply that it should.

    Fine, we get, “Lot” (A) and then, “From,” or, “Brox,” one of which could be, C, but it’s not clear which as there’s no actual rhyme to it.

    Since each letter in the diagram should be a rhyme, I’m actually generous to suggest it’s an ABAC. It’s more of an, A?A? rhyme, if we are to throw the rhythm completely to the wind.

    This might be excused if she didn’t need to steal from seven songs and the content wasn’t completely vapid. But as it is, there’s nothing there.

    I mean, I suppose you could use the video as J-O (going with the J-Lo theme) material in a pinch, except that when she’s dancing naked she’s going on about how she always puts God first, which is kind of a turn off. Then there’s Ben Affleck, who I can’t decide if I feel sorry for or hate. Either way, the internet was out by this point, rendering the whole debate pointless.

    *drops mic*

  2. Juke
    August 17, 2015 at 4:18 am

    I don’t mind broken rhyming schemes…if it’s done right. J-Lo is doing it…wrong. Totally agree.
    Ben Affleck, oh, feel sorry for the guy. He’s got a roid problem, well, this PSA video tells us that.

    • The Immortal Goon
      August 19, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Ben Affleck is doing the exact same thing that I do every day before I have to go to work.

  3. The Immortal Goon
    September 14, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    This article (http://www.avclub.com/article/dream-90s-barely-alive-brooklyn-tale-horror-and-su-225263?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds) made me think of your piece specifically the following part:

    “Smash Mouth takes the stage. What can I say? It’s terrible. Everything about it is terrible. This band is the worst. I hated these songs the first time around, and when I’m wearing jeans soaked to the quick, the music is somehow even worse. Like the sound waves have teamed up with the moisture in my pants, in some dastardly scheme to strip me of all mental and physical comfort. And the thing of it all is, this crowd cannot. Get. Enough.

    “People are leaping for joy. It’s like V-J Day in Times Square. I think I see someone swoon when ‘Walking On The Sun’ starts up. This audience has found its perfect match. You want generic, lazy signifiers of ’90s pop culture? Smash Mouth has got you fucking covered, all. They even make it through three whole songs they wrote themselves before seguing into The Kinks’ ‘You Really Got Me,’ followed immediately by their somehow even more candy-ass version of the already candy-coated song ‘I’m A Believer.’ Great. I bet the talking donkey from Shrek would eat this up. (I will say, I like their drummer. He’s a heavy hitter with great showmanship. Start a side project, drummer from Smash Mouth. I’ll come see you.)

    “Everyone is engaged in a massive sing-along, for almost every cut. People start joining in for a tune I swear I’ve never heard before—then the refrain hits, and I realize I’ve somehow never known any part of the song ‘All Star,’ except the godawful chorus. Did you know that guy is rapping during the verses? Holy hell, it’s atrocious. Every single fiber of me that was being an unfair grouch earlier in the day comes roaring back, only with the single-minded conviction that can only come from knowing you are absolutely, positively, 100 percent right to feel the way you do. Everyone else is loving this. Ah, to be young and dumb.”

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